I’m laying on my bed… Staring at the ceiling… In the middle of the night… Contemplating my life…


I just can’t sleep because I just wake up from my last sleep 12 hours earlier.

I did nothing all day except laying on bed watching tv so I don’t feel tired. Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep.


I’m not ready for work tomorrow so my body refuses sleeping as it means the end of the day. The end of my holiday.. Noooo…


Gosh I’m so not ready for work!!! When did I ever ready for work? I found this “hard to sleep” syndrome happened every time a long holiday ends. It’s not an insomnia because I will fall asleep any minutes now after writing this.
So yeah, it’s not insomnia *another denial*

There you go my page 2 of 365. Or page 3 now since it’s past 00.00 already. I have to work in less than 8 hours from now. And I haven’t slept yet.

Welcome, my first office day in 2017. No, you are not welcomed.


Women’s Independence

I’m furious because my girl friend cancel an appointment that has been set up long time before, only because her boyfriend can’t pick her up. As simple as that. As if she has no feet. As if she’s 10 years old who can’t go anywhere by herself. In this big city. With various public transportation scattered all around the city.

I’m furious to find out that my fellow women still depend on men so bad that they can’t go anywhere if their men can’t pick them up.

I mean, I have a great man who’s willing to pick me up whenever he’s able. But in times when he’s busy or unavailable I can still go anywhere anytime by myself. I don’t understand why there are other women who can’t do that.

I understand if their men are worried if they go alone. My man are worried too if I go somewhere alone. But that doesn’t mean I can’t go anywhere without him. I always update my position and tell him when I’ve arrived so he doesn’t have to worry anymore. Just try to be independent in this thing, can you?

Okay the real reason I’m furious in not because of these women’s dependence in such a small thing, but because I have to reschedule not only this appointment but also others. Reschedule is tiring because many people are involved.

Back to women’s dependence, I just remember that there’s also a case when a woman rejected her friends invitation to hang out only because her boyfriend doesn’t want to come. This is a same dependent case. I mean, she was the one who was invited, boyfriend is +1, whether her boyfriend comes or not is not important. But she refuses to come because her boyfriend doesn’t want to come. I don’t know the reason, maybe she’s too lazy to use public transportation, or she doesn’t want to be separated without her boyfriend.

I don’t understand these kind of women.

Who would have known?

Who would have known that one year ago today, she would be gone forever? If i saw that coming, i would absolutely spend her last time together. But no one see that horrifying time coming. I could only see her face for the last time. A week after, I realize that we won’t have phone chit chat at night again. I lost not only a mother, but also my sharing friend, my best advisor, my biggest supporter in life, someone who understand me the most.

Last vacation that I had with her. The picture wasn’t even taken properly.

That’s life. Life catches you at your lowest, unexpectedly. Yes, all things happen for a reason. Or many reasons.

Who would have known the reasons? Maybe in order that she won’t feel pain again? Maybe in order that her family would be freed from burden? Or maybe in order that her family would be stronger in life?

One thing I know for sure, I lived the last one year harder, sadder, tougher, and magically stronger too. I haven’t completely moved on from her going, but I survived this one year well. Or at least people see me as I’m okay.

I don’t like to share my weaknesses or vulnaribilities to other people. Crying, for me, is a sign of weakness that others must not see. Except my fiancé, the only exception.

Whatever the reasons are, I can conclude that it’s a fate. Even herself had known that, written in her will. That this is her fate, that this was meant to be, that we shouldn’t be sad.

We are trying mom, but it’s been hard. I miss you a lot. I lost badly. I’m looked okay from the outside, but inside there’s a huge deep hole that can’t be filled.

Again, who would have known?

Membuat E-Paspor – Cara dan Tips

E-Paspor kepanjangannya Elektronik Paspor. Artinya di Paspor tersebut ada chip yang bisa langsung di tap kalau di bandara jadi ga usah antri di bagian imigrasi (katanya). Gw belum pernah coba jadi belum tau 😛

Dan manfaat paling hits dari E-Paspor ini adalah bebas visa ke Jepang! Yey!

Sebenernya tetap harus daftar ke Kedutaan Jepang sih, jenis visanya disebut Visa Waiver. Yah, still better daripada harus apply2 visa kan.

Inilah alasan gw buat E-Paspor, I believe dalam 5 tahun ke depan gw pasti ke Jepang. Amin. Furthermore, I hope that in the next five years there will be more countries available for Visa Waiver. Maybe Korea? Australia? Amin. Harapanlah yang mengalahkan segalanya, termasuk kenyataan bahwa harga E-Paspor ini lebih mahal hampir dua kali lipat dari paspor biasa. Hehe. Biayanya Rp 655.000 + administrasi bank Rp 5.000 = Rp 660.000

By the way, despite its name Electronic Passport, we can’t apply E-Passport via electronic/online. Ironi. Kita harus datang langsung atau Walk-In. Dan, kantor imigrasi yang bisa menerbitkan E-Paspor baru DKI Jakarta, Surabaya dan Batam.

Gw berhasil membuat E-Paspor ini setelah tiga kali percobaan. Fiuhhhh. Kenapa sampe tiga kali?

Pertama : Di Kantor Imigrasi Jakarta Pusat – Gw datang kesiangan jam 06.30, kuota sudah habis (sehari cuma 100). Ya udahlah, udah dateng sekalian gw minta satpam ngecekin berkas gw deh. Eh ternyata gw salah bawa KK dong, yang kebawa KK lama yang NIK-nya beda dengan KTP. Gw harus minta KK baru dikirimin dari rumah.

Kedua : Di Kantor Imigrasi Jakarta Barat – Setelah menguatkan diri (karena males bangun pagi), dua bulan kemudian gw mencoba lagi di kantor imigrasi yang ini karena kata temen gw kuotanya lebih banyak. Gw sampe jam 05.15, dapet nomor antrian 14. Setelah nunggu hampir 3 jam, habis briefing dari petugas baru ketahuan ternyata gw harus pulang lagi karena gw ga punya Surat Rekomendasi Atasan/Perusahaan (I’ll explain this later). Padahal sebelumnya gw udah tanya temen gw yang udah bikin disini, katanya ga pake surat beginian ga apa-apa. Tapi sekarang udah diwajibkan.

Ketiga : Di Kantor Imigrasi Jakarta Barat – It is true that Third Attempt is a Charm.

Langkah-langkahnya sebagai berikut:

  1. Begitu datang langsung tulis nama di daftar antrian di kertas yang biasanya disiapkan oleh orang yang pertama dateng. (Hari itu gw dateng jam 5.15 dapet urutan 21)
  2. Pintu Gerbang dibuka sekitar jam 06.00, setengah jam sebelumnya biasanya ada tukang parkir yang ngatur-ngatur suruh baris per 10 orang. Jadi pas pintu gerbang dibuka udah gampang masuknya. Kalau orangnya ga baris entar ga kebagian nomor antrian lho.
  3. Setelah pintu gerbang dibuka, satpam akan memberi kita nomor antrian resmi di secarik kertas (Nomor antrian gw naik dikit jadi 19). Kita langsung masuk dan menunggu di dalam. Tapi yang mau makan dulu juga bisa, masih ada jeda waktu sekitar 1,5 jam.
  4. Pintu area pelayanan dibuka sekitar jam 07.30. Beberapa saat sebelumnya pasti ada pengarahan dari petugas mengenai syarat-syarat apa saja yang harus dibawa dan ada sesi tanya jawab. Kalau ada yang tertinggal boleh pulang dulu, tapi kalau baliknya nomor antrian sudah lewat harus ambil nomor antrian baru, dan pasti udah sampe 100-an jadi percuma.
    ruang tunggu pertama – tempat briefing

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Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes is Hard


Let’s say that I have something very credential that I should change. It’s a bad habit of mine. Recently this bad habit caused me some trouble with the person I love. He kindly took charge of my mistake -threw himself under the bus for me- so I felt really guilty about it. Even after apologizing to him, this guilt won’t easily go away because deep inside I know that I supposed to be able to avoid that mistake.

I’ve been thinking hardly about how to compensate my mistake. I reached the decision that I should change so the same mistake won’t happen again. I realized that the root is from inside of me.

But although I had realized my bad habit, for me it’s really hard to change.

Since I have this bad habit for some time, I did tried to change before, but it didn’t work.

Now that I have this guilt as motivation, I think I should be able to change this time. It’s not easy but I will try gradually. I hope this time it’ll work.

This has become my new resolution for 2016.

Talking about resolution, there is one thing that become my resolution year after year, yet it’s never reached. The thing is to work out. You know, I’m not a work out type of person. I don’t like to work out, but I know I have to, in order to have a toned body and to be healthier.

I don’t have time (and money) to go to gym, so I have to work out by myself at home. I have downloaded some work out video, as a guidance, yet I’ve never used it.

As you can see now, change is a hard thing for me. Either I’m stuck in this so called comfort zone, or I’m to lazy to change, or both. Sigh. Maybe there’s something wrong with me.

The Man from U.N.C.L.E – Movie Review

It’s been a long time since I become satisfied after watching a movie. But, this happened recently with the movie The Man from U.N.C.L.E. I can’t get enough with this movie and I want more. Maybe because it’s a remake from a TV series so the ending is an open ending.

I didn’t know much about this movie before I and my boyfriend decided to watch it on Friday night. I only have watched a glimpse of the trailer a while ago, and I got a vibe that it’s a spy movie like James Bond. I didn’t expect much from this movie, but between The Man from U.N.C.L.E and Hitman 47, a spy movie and a killer movie, it’s obvious for me that The Man from U.N.C.L.E wins.

After buying tickets, I did a little research (yes  after, not before haha) and I found out that Hitman 47 only get 9% from Rotten Tomatoes. Fiuhh, we made a good decision. Moreover, The Man from U.N.C.L.E had Henry Cavill (the Superman!!) and the cute Armie Hammer.


Henry Cavill plays CIA agent Napoleon Solo and Armie Hammer plays KGB agent Ilya Kuryakin. At the beginning of the movie they are enemies who try to kill each other. Then the table’s turned, their bosses in CIA and KGB assigned them to cooperate to prevent a company from making an atomic bomb. It’s funny how they struggle not to kill each other since they are a team now.

I love their duet as partners. Napoleon Solo is a charming, cheerful man (later found out to be a womanizer too) reminds me of Pierce Brosnan’s James Bond. While Ilya Kuryakin is a stiff, cold, man with anger issues. Both have plus and minus and they magically create a perfect team.

A spy movie will not complete without a pretty girl, right? Here comes Alicia Vikander, plays Gaby, East German girl, a mechanic, a nuclear professor’s daughter who’s supposed to be protected by those two men. I am not familiar with her work before, but I think her face is similar to Penelope Cruz. I can’t stop thinking about Penelope Cruz everytime I see her. :p

There are several aspects of this movie that I like.

Languages. There are several different languages German, Russian, and Italian. Combination of different languages is interesting for me because they add dynamics to the movie. Watching the movie stimulates me to learn those languages.

Comedy. The movie maker inserts comedy in several scenes. A smart comedy, as I call it, because it’s nothing like skeptical comedy. I personally don’t like skeptical comedy, so I find smart comedy like this is refreshing.

Cinematography. I know nothing about cinematography, of course. But, as a commoner, I recognize good cinematography in this movie. I think the director, Guy Ritchie, is good, after I watch the movie. There are reverse chronology too, but it’s easy to understand.

Romance. Yeah, I’m a fan of romantic comedy, so a little romance in the movie excites me. The romance between Kuryakin and Gaby is still vague, but it’s there. I wish them to be together, but it’s not happen in the movie.

Fashion. I wasn’t sure about the timeline, but after I saw the fashion, I’m pretty certain that it’s the 60’s. The costumes are well considered. I love the clothes, especially the ones that Gaby wears. Napoleon’s clothes are also well suited. The one that’s not so great is Kuryakin’s. Maybe because his character is cold, so he doesn’t engage in fashion.


There is also Hugh Grant in this movie. His charming British accent is a fresh addition to the movie :p

Overall, it’s a fresh summer movie suited for younger audiences. It’s not as serious as another spy movie.

The Day I Lost My Mom

It was 22 April, a day before my birthday. It never occurred in my mind, that my scariest nightmare will become a reality.
My mom was battling cancer. She was in chemotherapy treatment. It was the second batch of her treatment. Her first batch went successfully in Malacca. But less than a year later she had to fight it all over again because the bad cells were still there, and then attack her bones.
She fought strong. She struggled to eat, but she tried. She had spirits. Even when she was down, we were there for her, supported her, told her to fight. She said OK.
Few days ago, she was treated in hospital. It’s because she had hard time in swallowing, even drinking was hard. I was away, I called her, she said it’s probably only bad sore throat because her body was weak due to chemotherapy treatment. She also had hard time to talk, so I ended my call early. The day after, I sent her message, asking if she was better, she said she wasn’t.  I told her to stay positive, but she didn’t immediately read it, so I still don’t know if she read it or not.
The third day in hospital, my dad called me that she had to be given oxygen because she had hard time to breathe. I had thought of worst case scenario but I still had hopes. This would pass.
Morning of the fourth day, my dad called me to find ticket home the day after. I was looking for the ticket when I got second call.
My father told me to stay calm, informed me that my mom passed away. I had breakdown in office for a while, immediately find ticket home that very day.
I cried in taxi in my way to my place to grab some things before I took a flight home. A silent cry, not a loud one that the driver would notice. I cried at my place while packing. I cried in taxi to airport. I cried in plane. As the time I arrived in Jambi, I had stopped crying.
Before I thought I would haven’t been able to handle this. But when this is really happening, I don’t cry as much as I thought I would be. I am strangely strong.
Some parts of me feel relieve about her passing away, she had had hard time. But some parts of me still can’t accept the truth, as if this is not really happening. She had hoped that I get married. She had mention that before, I should get married while she was still alive. I had hoped that I could take her abroad to see snow. I couldn’t do those things until she passed away.
There are some regrets. There are still many things that I haven’t learned from her. There are still many things that I want to tell her.
But God has His own plan. He called her early. She was one month left to be 50 years old. She lost the battle to cancer.
My mom lost, but God make her win.
This is the day I lost my mom, a day before my 25th birthday, a month before her 50th birthday.
This is the day I lost my mom.