Who would have known that one year ago today, she would be gone forever? If i saw that coming, i would absolutely spend her last time together. But no one see that horrifying time coming. I could only see her face for the last time. A week after, I realize that we won’t have phone chit chat at night again. I lost not only a mother, but also my sharing friend, my best advisor, my biggest supporter in life, someone who understand me the most.
That’s life. Life catches you at your lowest, unexpectedly. Yes, all things happen for a reason. Or many reasons.
Who would have known the reasons? Maybe in order that she won’t feel pain again? Maybe in order that her family would be freed from burden? Or maybe in order that her family would be stronger in life?
One thing I know for sure, I lived the last one year harder, sadder, tougher, and magically stronger too. I haven’t completely moved on from her going, but I survived this one year well. Or at least people see me as I’m okay.
I don’t like to share my weaknesses or vulnaribilities to other people. Crying, for me, is a sign of weakness that others must not see. Except my fiancé, the only exception.
Whatever the reasons are, I can conclude that it’s a fate. Even herself had known that, written in her will. That this is her fate, that this was meant to be, that we shouldn’t be sad.
We are trying mom, but it’s been hard. I miss you a lot. I lost badly. I’m looked okay from the outside, but inside there’s a huge deep hole that can’t be filled.
Again, who would have known?