The Day I Lost My Mom

It was 22 April, a day before my birthday. It never occurred in my mind, that my scariest nightmare will become a reality.
My mom was battling cancer. She was in chemotherapy treatment. It was the second batch of her treatment. Her first batch went successfully in Malacca. But less than a year later she had to fight it all over again because the bad cells were still there, and then attack her bones.
She fought strong. She struggled to eat, but she tried. She had spirits. Even when she was down, we were there for her, supported her, told her to fight. She said OK.
Few days ago, she was treated in hospital. It’s because she had hard time in swallowing, even drinking was hard. I was away, I called her, she said it’s probably only bad sore throat because her body was weak due to chemotherapy treatment. She also had hard time to talk, so I ended my call early. The day after, I sent her message, asking if she was better, she said she wasn’t.Β  I told her to stay positive, but she didn’t immediately read it, so I still don’t know if she read it or not.
The third day in hospital, my dad called me that she had to be given oxygen because she had hard time to breathe. I had thought of worst case scenario but I still had hopes. This would pass.
Morning of the fourth day, my dad called me to find ticket home the day after. I was looking for the ticket when I got second call.
My father told me to stay calm, informed me that my mom passed away. I had breakdown in office for a while, immediately find ticket home that very day.
I cried in taxi in my way to my place to grab some things before I took a flight home. A silent cry, not a loud one that the driver would notice. I cried at my place while packing. I cried in taxi to airport. I cried in plane. As the time I arrived in Jambi, I had stopped crying.
Before I thought I would haven’t been able to handle this. But when this is really happening, I don’t cry as much as I thought I would be. I am strangely strong.
Some parts of me feel relieve about her passing away, she had had hard time. But some parts of me still can’t accept the truth, as if this is not really happening. She had hoped that I get married. She had mention that before, I should get married while she was still alive. I had hoped that I could take her abroad to see snow. I couldn’t do those things until she passed away.
There are some regrets. There are still many things that I haven’t learned from her. There are still many things that I want to tell her.
But God has His own plan. He called her early. She was one month left to be 50 years old. She lost the battle to cancer.
My mom lost, but God make her win.
This is the day I lost my mom, a day before my 25th birthday, a month before her 50th birthday.
This is the day I lost my mom.


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